I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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