I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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