people are starting to question the shark bite story
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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