If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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