I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
