I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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