I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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