there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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