got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
