good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
