she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
