I have demons in me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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