How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
