so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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