you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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