I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
