Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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