I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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