Farmville is her only friend.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
