Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
