i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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