dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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