i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
