May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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