My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize