Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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