Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
