Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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