At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
