She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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