as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
