that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize