we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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