Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
