Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
