Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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