1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We have started to decorate penises.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
