Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
