there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
