i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
