an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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