The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
