I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
