careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
