i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
