he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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