if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
