the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
