So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
