We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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