My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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