Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
