I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
