I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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