dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
