I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
