cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
