my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
