I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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