I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Randomize
