sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
